Epeita Pantes Apothanountai
by SugarPlumFlo
Summary: When two lovers get caught, events take a fateful turn... Unusual ships and a bit of romance


Epeita Pantes Apothanountai

Summary: When two lovers get caught, events take a fateful turn... Unusual ships and a bit of romance

DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

_Author notes_: TumOmnesMoriuntur (the original author name) are three people: yasminriddle (heavenly perverted writer), ILoveCarrots (writer and perverted detail-inspiration) and our beloved friend Sugar Fairy (demonically perverted inspiration). We also want to thank our wonderful beta friligine, for the intensive use of her dictionary.

Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape were in love. Well, not so much that they were in love but that they had some kind of raw physical attraction going on. One night, they couldn't master their passion any longer, so they arranged to meet in the Astronomy tower. A bad choice, a very bad choice. In their yearning for each other they had forgotten all about the hordes of lascivious couples going there at night.

Just as they were reaching unknown heights, Draco Malfoy and his latest conquests, Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger, walked in. There were ear- piercing screams to be heard throughout the whole school.

The news spread like wildfire and soon the Astronomy Tower became the scenery of one big orgy. In the crowds of Slytherins, Ravenclaws, Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs tangled together you could spot Draco Malfoy and his minions, Crabbe and Goyle, Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas, Marcus Nott and Justin Finch- Fletchley... You could see a flash of bright red hair coming out from underneath Hagrid's beard and the Weasley twins were trying to catch the attention of Cedric Diggory's ghost. They had all gone mad by lust; some had even brought their pets.

In the Gryffindor dormitories Harry woke with a start, his scar burning like hell. "Oh nóóóó!" Harry thought panicky. "I won't have to fight Voldemort again, will I? The world is doooomed... Wait a minute." It suddenly occurred to Harry that his nightmare hadn't been about his nemesis at all; it was something about...ballet?

Confused, he looked around his room. His eye fell on the Marauder's Map. There seemed to be quite a crowd at the Astronomy tower. "Well," Harry said to himself, "I'd better sneak out of my room without telling anyone and go check it out!"

Once arrived, his jaw dropped in amazement. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE!" Some people briefly glanced at Harry, who looked really outraged. "WHY wasn't I invited, I thought I was the superhero around here! Everything happens to me, remember?"

"Oh, bugger off!" Snape half-cried, half-sighed.

Harry pulled his most pathetic face. Dumbledore couldn't stand it any longer. "Oh Sev, let him stay!" Snape let out a moan that could've meant many things. "Go play with Crabbe and Goyle," Dumbledore said absently.

Harry happily skipped over to his newfound friends. Sadly, he was squashed by their enormous weight in the following scene, though Crabbe and Goyle didn't immediately lose interest. Everywhere around them the fest continued.

Everybody was so preoccupied they didn't notice the dark clouds packing together over their heads. Just as the first lighting struck, the doors flew open. It was quite an entrance, due to the flash of light coming from outside and the almost immediately following thunder.

Everybody stared at the strange silhouette standing in the doorway. The sudden silence was deafening. Then, the figure stepped into the light. Several people gasped in horror.

It was none other than ... Voldemort!

But that was not what made people cry out in terror: he was wearing ... a red tutu! He overlooked the scene and his eye fell on Harry's dead body. He pranced over to his killers and came to a stop right in front of their noses with an impressive pirouette. "You have succeeded in what me and my minions couldn't accomplish all these years," he said with an authoritative and yet captivating voice, "you shall be rewarded!" After which he frenched them both snogless.

He left them to recover and cast another gaze over the crowd that, once over the first shock, had resumed their activities. Suddenly, he stopped and some emotion that looked a lot like hurt fled across his face that had always seemed completely incapable of expressing any kind of feeling. He shrieked: "Albus, how dare you! I thought we had a relationship!" And with a broken voice he added: "And I was just going to ask to marry me!

In a blind fury, he muttered a spell under his breath. There was a flash of blinding light and an enormous rumble went through the whole of Hogwarts. Then, everything went dark.

Voldemort had killed anyone present in the room, and in doing so he had managed to make the roof of the Astronomy Tower collapse. Apparently untouched he picked up Harry's body and retreated to a distant corner of the Astronomy Tower.

Silence fell upon the bloodbath. It had started to snow and a thin white layer was covering the corpses.

Suddenly, there was a movement: it was Dumbledore, wriggling from underneath Snape's body. Sobbing, he muttered something like: "Oh dearest Sev, your body has done so much for me, and now, as a final act of love, it has saved my life!" Then he spotted Voldemort on the other end of the room, doing rather suspicious things to Harry's body. He straightened his shoulders and turning his hart to stone, he walked over to him.

"Now you're finally mine!" Voldemort sighed contented and started cackling evilly. Dumbledore interrupted him. "What the hell did you do that for? For your information, I was madly in love with Severus," he yelled, his voice growing louder and louder. "And keep your hands of my students! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Voldemort fell to the ground, as dead as a doornail. Dumbledore stood there looking at him, stupefied. Then he cried out: "What have I done? What have i done? Now I've lost both my beloved ones!" Inconsolable, he unleashed all his grieves and frustrations on Voldemort's body and lost all sense of time. Harry's corpse was lying neglected in the snow.

FLASH!

For a minute, Dumbledore was blinded. Confused, he turned around.

"I bet they'll pay a lot of money at the Daily Prophet for this photograph," Colin Creevey said with a deranged grin on his face. "That'll teach them not to invite me." Moving to the door he burst out in a strange sniggering noise that somehow reminded Dumbledore strongly of two dolphins mating.

As the door slammed shut, he started weeping like a baby. "It wasn't enough that I lost both my lovers," he sobbed. "Now, I've lost my dignity too!" The shame, THE SHAME. I can't bear it any longer." He dragged himself to the edge of the demolished Astronomy Tower, raised himself, spread his arms and threw himself down.

"SEVVIE, HERE I COME!"

A/N: For the record, we wrote this just for fun. Hope you did realize we meant this totally ironic.

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